the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize