one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
