The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
