What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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