so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
