Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
