you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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