if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
