under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
