his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
