There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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