So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
