i love accidental penises.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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