Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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