im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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