I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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