you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize