I'm gonna have a badass scar
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
