Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
