my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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