When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
