i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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