Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
