Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
