At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
