I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
