got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
