yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Your penis caused this!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
