No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
