i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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