the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
