he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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