If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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