omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
