He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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