you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
