don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
did i walk over a car last night?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I did not marry a roomba.
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