so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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