i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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