I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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