I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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