My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
