Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
