dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
