Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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