My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
