New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
