i already hear my dad disowning me
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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