i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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