I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
