didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
