What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
