You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
