i just wanna soil my oats bro
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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