I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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