Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
